Saying ‘no’ doesn’t have to be that hard

There was a time when saying ‘no’ to volunteer opportunities, activities, events, and personal commitments would make me feel guilty. I let others fill up my time and before I knew it, I didn’t know if I was coming or going (not to mention I was exhausted).

As my free time became less and less, I knew I needed to prioritize how I spent that time. Today, I am much better at saying no without feeling guilty.

If you find yourself in the same (or similar) situation, here are a few guidelines to help you say no.

Determine your values and let them guide your decisions – Give some thought to what’s important to you, and how you want to spend your free time. If you are asked to support projects, activities or are invited to an outing that doesn’t align with your values, say no. Commit to things that support your values.

Don’t say yes immediately – Ask for some time to think about the opportunity before saying yes. As you evaluate it, think about how much of your time you will need to invest taking into consideration other commitments such as work and family. If the opportunity doesn’t align with your values, it’s okay to say no immediately.

Don’t over apologize or give a list of explanations – Politely say no, apologize once and leave it at that. Also, don’t feel like you have to provide a list of explanations. A simple statement is more powerful than waffling. “I’m sorry I can’t volunteer to be part of the committee. I am working a lot of long hours.”

Define the number of opportunities you can support – No one knows better than you what’s best for you and your family. Decide how many opportunities you can support and stick with it. Make sure they align with your values and really evaluate how much of a time commitment the opportunity will be.

Nothing is worse than agreeing to a commitment only to ask yourself later, “why did I agree to do this?” With a little up front planning to determine your values, you’ll never be guilted into doing something you don’t want to do.

What are your strategies for saying no?

Is your morning routine exhausting for your family?

Morning routines at our house use to be quite dreadful. We’ve come a long way from mornings where tears and chaos were the norm. Over the years, we’ve learned from other parents and sometimes by trial and error ways to make our mornings less stressful and exhausting.

With a little planning, you can reduce the number of temper tantrums, arguments and “I left my homework on the kitchen table” situations, and hopefully arrive at work a little less stressed.

Below are some things that work for my family. Real Simple offers a few more ideas on managing morning routines.

Pack all the essentials the night before (lunches, homework, snow clothes, work bags, etc.). If you’re not staying home the next day, pack everything you need for the next day the night before. Have the kids help make their lunches (even if it’s just packing their snacks and beverages), determine what the kids will need for school – gym shoes, snow clothes, homework – and have them put it in their bag. The same goes for parents.

Pick out clothes the night before. Check the weather forecast for the next day, tell your kids what’s appropriate for them to wear based on the weather and school activities. This will help eliminate discussions in the morning about what your kids can and cannot wear. This is a great tip for parents too.

Wake the kids up early with a morning ritual. Our girls do not like to get out of bed in the morning. To compensate for the 30 minutes it took them to get up, we started waking them up 30 minutes earlier, adjusting their bedtime accordingly. During this time, they can do whatever they want, but they know that at 6:30 a.m. it’s time to get moving. I wake them up by turning on their lamps, opening their blinds (when the sun is out), and we give them a glass of milk (my girls LOVE milk) and their vitamins. We recently started listening to their favorite songs while they get ready. It’s a great motivator for them and puts them in a better mood.

One final check. Before my oldest daughter and I head out the door, we run down the list of all the things she and I need for the day. I wish I would have started doing this sooner; it would have saved me several trips back home because she forgot her homework on the kitchen table!

What works for your family? How do you manage your morning routine?

Develop a plan to end chore wars in your home

Let’s face it, household chores aren’t on anyone’s list of fun things to do. In fact, they are a source of contention for most couples. According to an article in Today – Health, about 1 in 5 Americans argue monthly about chores. Left unaddressed, these arguments can lead to resentment of your spouse.

Couples need to find a way to share the responsibility of household chores that works for them and their schedules. Put an end to the neat freak vs. slob battle with a few simple ground rules.

Discuss chores and errands with your spouse and family – Make a list of what needs to get done daily, weekly and monthly. Decide who will do what or volunteer for things you’re good at. If you like cooking, but hate folding laundry then see if your spouse will do the laundry. If there are chores no one wants to do, then develop a rotation schedule so everyone shares the job.

No bickering – Bickering only creates arguments, and who has time for that? Clearly define expectations for checking chores off the to do list taking into account personal and family commitments and late nights at the office.

Make good on your promise – If you told your spouse you would do specific chores on certain days, do them. Making excuses only prolongs the inevitable and can lead to an argument if your spouse thinks you’re trying to get out of doing your chores.

Don’t be critical – Nothing is worse than finishing a chore only to hear your spouse critique your hard work. Compliment your spouse’s efforts even if the chore isn’t done the exact way you would have done it. Work together to keep each other motivated. Other good tips can be found in my blog on re-evaluating your expectations.

There’s an app for that – If you’re having a hard time motivating your kids to help out, there are a variety of apps you can download for your phone, tablet or computer. Be sure to find ones that meet your needs and are appropriate for your children.

Fine-tune your plan as you go. Stick with what works and adjust the other chores accordingly. Hopefully, arguing about who’s going to take the garbage out this week will be a thing of the past.

What’s your strategy for managing chore wars in your home?

Pressed for time? Simple ways to spend quality time with your children

Since I returned to work full-time we’ve had to rely on a support system to help care for our girls. I often wonder if I spend enough quality time with them. It’s a hard question to ask myself since I always had at least one parent home throughout my entire childhood. However, I quickly learned that even though my time with my girls is limited, it can still be just as meaningful.

Quality time with your children can be anything – arts and crafts, reading or taking a walk. Over the years, my focus has shifted from the number of hours I spend with my children to what we do during that time. That’s what matters the most to them. They don’t want (or need) an extravagant activity or outing. They want my time and attention, and if we can have some fun then that’s even better! 

During the week, our quality time is at the dinner table and then at night reading bedtime stories. Regardless of what’s for dinner, we make it a point to eat as a family. Dinner is a time for my husband and I to hear all about their day. Everyone has a chance to recap their day (the girls even ask what we did at work), but the focus is mainly on the girls. They talk about what they did, how they did on tests, activities, issues and upcoming school events. Reading at night is another way for us to have quality time. Most of the time we read, but sometimes my oldest daughter uses it as an opportunity for us to talk.

My other favorite time is when we go camping as a family or anytime we are outdoors. My girls love the outdoors! Camping provides us time to reconnect with each other without the distraction of the TV, tablets, phones or texts. The time is spent doing what the girls love – swimming, riding bikes, playing, catching bugs, canoeing and making s’mores. Some of our best memories involve the outdoors.



Making the most of the winter weather.

Metroparent offers some great tips on how working moms can create quality time with their children.

When I started to think about the time I was spending time with my girls, I realized we do have a lot of quality time together. For us, our quality time is in the simple things.

How do you spend quality time with your child/children? What advice can you share?

“Mean” moms rule!

I distinctly remember the first time my oldest daughter called me mean. After the shock and hurt wore off, I thought, “am I really mean?”

As I see it, being a mom it’s my responsibility to protect her, help her make good decisions, and raise a young lady who respects herself and others. I am her mother, not her friend.

A product of “mean” parents myself, they created a foundation in me that would later allow me to succeed in life. And I want the same for my girls.

I came across this article recently, 12 ways to be the meanest mom in the world, and I was excited to learn I was doing a great job living up to my new title! 

Any decisions or activities that make your kids groan, whine or cry are probably putting you on the path to earn your ‘mean mom’ badge. Below are a few of my ‘mean’ traits.

I tell my kids ‘no’ and mean it. Even though my girls are old enough to question my decisions, I stand firm and provide an explanation they understand. If they press the issue, they know there will be consequences (and I follow through on that too).

I give my girls chores. Growing up I cut grass, changed the oil in my parents’ car, shoveled snow, dusted the house … you name it. Chores build confidence and give them tools they can use as adults.  

I don’t follow the crowd. I am confident in my decisions as a parent – even the unpopular ones. When my oldest was six she was invited to a sleepover at her friend’s house that we barely knew; I told her she couldn’t go. I agreed to a playdate, and went with her to get to know her friend’s parents. I even explained to the other mom why she couldn’t spend the night.

My kids respect me. I have an awesome relationship with my girls and they know they’re loved, but they also respect me. We laugh, act silly, and do fun things together. They know who is in charge, and it’s not them.

I hold my girls accountable for their actions and behavior. My girls aren’t perfect and when they misbehave, there are consequences. They are also learning to be responsible for themselves and their things. Recently my daughter forgot to do her homework. She tried to complete it in the morning as we’re getting ready, but there wasn’t enough time so I made her turn it in incomplete. I emailed her teacher to let her know we were aware it was unfinished and she would take whatever consequence the teacher gave her. That day at recess, she sat on the wall for not doing her assignment.

Despite being a mean mom, I tell my girls every day that I love them. Comedian Anita Renfroe does an excellent job summarizing all the mean (and nice) things moms say in a day.

Super Mom doesn’t exist: Re-evaluate expectations of yourself and your life

Many of us try to be Super Mom (me included) – but let’s be honest, she doesn’t exist. She is a figment of our imagination. Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the expectations you’ve set for yourself and your life?

Balancing a family, career, social life, and other commitments made me realize I’ve set myself up for failure with unrealistic expectations for myself and my life. I can’t do it all.

I’ve been working on re-evaluating my expectations and learning not to “sweat the small stuff.” I still have days where I try to be Super Mom, but there are no benefits to my family and me when I try to be her.

There are many great resources to help you get started. Here are some things that worked for me.

Control what you can – your attitude. If you talk to any mother, you know that we all have chaotic lives to varying degrees. It’s how you respond to that chaos that matters. Embrace it. Laugh about it. Put it in perspective. Not every situation will bring out your best attitude. If the days you laugh it off outweigh the days you’re upset, then that’s success in my book.

Set realistic goals each day – I look at each day of the week and see what absolutely needs to get done and I tweak my schedule around it. A few weeks ago my younger daughter wanted to bake brownies for a school birthday treat. That night we had ‘free choice’ dinner where we ate what we wanted (within reason), baths moved to another night, laundry stayed in the bucket, and we baked brownies.

Decide what’s a priority and what can slide – Mommy blogger Jessica Fisher offers great advice on this topic. Since I have limited time after work, dinner, homework and reading are our priorities. Bath time coincides with gym class in the winter and every other day in the summer. Other activities are fit in, if there’s time, or left for another day.  

Share the responsibility – Ask for help from your husband and kids. If your kids are old enough, give them a list of age appropriate chores. This is hard for a control freak like me. You have to be comfortable with knowing that it may not be done the exact way you’d do it, but at least it’s done.   

You’re not alone – All of us know a mom who appears to have it all together. Don’t be fooled. If she’s human, she’s sacrificing something to have that picture-perfect life. Sure, I could have a ‘perfect’ life but at what expense – my sanity? my relationships? sleep?

Re-evaluating my expectations has helped me feel less stressed, happier, and more comfortable in my roles as a wife, mother and professional. We live out of laundry buckets more than I care to admit, we only make our beds when we have guests, we have piles of stuff that we move from room to room, and my house will never be as clean as I’d like it. And I’m okay with that. 

 

Do you have unrealistic expectations for yourself or your life? Have you recently re-evaluated your expectations? What worked for you?

New Year’s Resolution … Eat Better, Stay Healthy

For years I’ve always made the resolution to lose weight and exercise. I’d start off strong, but then I’d somehow convince myself that I didn’t really have time to work out.

In August 2012, after being diagnosed with hypertension (high blood pressure) and put on medication, I knew I had run out of excuses as to why I didn’t make time to take better care of myself.

Before then, I watched what I ate (I wasn’t strict with my diet), exercised occasionally, and never took any daily pills except for a multivitamin. I knew I was still carrying a few extra pounds after having my daughters, but I wasn’t overly concerned about my weight.

With the cards stacked against me when it came to family history and the years slowly creeping up on me, it was time to change and put myself first.

A gym membership wasn’t even an option. The thought of dragging myself out of the house at some awful time of the morning or night was not going to happen.

A few weeks later I stumbled across Jillian Michaels “Ripped in 30” workout on a shopping trip. My favorite two things about it – the workout was only 24 minutes, and the DVD was $10! This was definitely my speed.

Image courtesy of Amazon.com

I remember not being able to walk after the first workout. I kept with it because if I was in that much pain it must be working, right?

Seeing me jump and squat around our living room got the attention of my older daughter, who joins me from time to time. It also led us to having a conversation about why I was working out, and the need for our family to take care of ourselves.

After gaining strength I started running, and eventually started counting calories. I finished the first DVD and bought two other DVDs from Jillian. I’ve lost 15 pounds, several inches, and there’s a possibility I may be able to stop taking the medication, which is my main goal. 

It’s too bad that it took being diagnosed with hypertension to get serious about my health, but I found a work out that works for me – even with my crazy schedule – and finally realize how important it is to take time out for me.

How do you fit exercise into your schedule? Do you have any quick workout tips that have helped you get or stay healthy?